it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
