I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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