Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
