whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Randomize
