She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
