Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
