how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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