My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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