yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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