Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
