I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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