if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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