I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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