I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
