maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
