dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
