I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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