I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
