Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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