is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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