this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
