she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
