I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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