I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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