i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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