I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
