Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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