No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
