Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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