The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
