I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
