make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
