I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
