I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
