Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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