im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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