I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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