whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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