I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
