Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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