never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
