i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
