i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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