and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
