If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
