happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
