she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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