I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
