dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
