I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You pole danced in your parka.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i out mim tonsoeep
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