I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
