It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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