the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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